day five

To be honest, I am entirely drained. Every ounce of my being feels empty. I am emotionally sucked dry, physically exhausted, mentally confused, and sick. Today we had to make a decision regarding whether or not we would stay at Bonginkosi or leave to Walk in the Light on Tuesday. Our group decided that we should finish out this week at the preschool and then switch to the other site next week. We will begin building a house in the township, Honniville, on Tuesday so it will be good to come at the beginning of that project rather than the middle of it. Click here to find out more about Walk in the Light.

I'm not sure why this decision to leave has been so difficult, but it has been such a process and a hard choice to make. As much as I have been reassured (by myself and others) that it wasn't a failure, part of me feels like the lack of success at the preschool has been a failure on my part. I have been worried that we will set a bad example of what it means to serve to Zodwa and the other teachers at Bonginkosi. It's my prayer that they will recognize that we are leaving with positivity and not anger. I'm not only feeling disappointment regarding that situation, but it is also going to be so hard to leave the kids tomorrow. Today we were singing songs and playing games with one of the classes as Khwezi snuggled into me for about an hour. As we sat there, Katie and I were thinking, "Why are we leaving?" Yet, I do recognize that we can't just sing and play with the kids for 3 weeks. So as hard as it will be tomorrow to say goodbye to their shining and joyful faces, I know we have made the right decision.

Zodwa took us back to the Muslim school to see the classes in full swing. As we walked there, she told us she had talked to Reg about us not coming back next week. She wondered why we were leaving and seemed sad about it. It saddened me to see her sad but yet frustrated that if she wants us there so much, why did she not work harder to give us a reason to be there? It seems as though my emotions do 180's everyday. One part of the day will be completely maddening while just 30 minutes later I will be laughing and filled with so much love and joy. I think these days have taken a toll on not only my emotions but my physical strength too. I started feeling sick last night and ended up leaving early today because I am feeling so sick and weak. I slept for over 4 hours after I returned and am about to go to bed before 9pm!

After talking to my parents throughout this experience and tonight (I'll admit, a few...or a lot...of tears were shed) I have realized how much I have learned about myself. I never knew how similar I am to my mom. We both have such a strong inclination to stand up for justice. If something is not fair or someone is being mistreated, something must be said. I have learned how to stand up for myself and be confident to respond to my internal urges for justice. I have learned how to serve in rough conditions. I have learned humility regarding what I have to offer to others. What I think I have to give to someone might not be what they need at that time. Who am I to think I know exactly what others need and is good for them? I have been humbled by the fact that service isn't always going to be tangible. All these kids might need right now is love and arms to be held in. The next semester of APU students might not be able to physically see what God has done at Bonginkosi, but that doesn't mean nothing good has taken place. And I am learning to be okay with that.

So tomorrow is my last day at Bonginkosi. It's weird to say that. I feel like we just started, yet I feel like I have been there for a month! I am praying I have the strength and health to make it the whole day tomorrow. I wouldn't miss saying goodbye to those kids for the world.

"Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings you glory. And I know they'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain."